


The Secret Satan

by Broseph, Meatball42



Series: AvAc Shenanigans [2]
Category: Avengers Academy (Video Game), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Gen, Lists, Regret, Secret Santa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-12
Updated: 2017-01-12
Packaged: 2018-09-17 01:39:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9298475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Broseph/pseuds/Broseph, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meatball42/pseuds/Meatball42
Summary: The constant invasions, Pepper can deal with. It's things like this that make her question her choice of career.(Each story is standalone)





	

At the end of Assembly in early December, during announcements, Pepper Potts took the stage. The students, who were whispering uncomfortably to each other after Madame Hydra’s presentation on acceptable loss in combat, quieted down once Pepper put her clipboard down on the podium and cleared her throat.

“In the weeks leading up to the winter holiday, Avengers Academy will be hosting its first annual Secret Santa. Participation is opt-out, so if you don’t want to send or receive a gift, email me by the end of business hours today. That’s 5pm, for those of you who are nocturnal.”

One of the students raised their… branch. “Yes, Groot?”

“I am Groot?”

“A Secret Santa is a sort of bonding activity where participants buy or create a gift for a randomly assigned giftee,” Pepper explained. “So I’ll be randomly assigning all participants.”

“Can we do something a little less… Christian?” Satana said snidely, without raising her hand.

Pepper resisted the urge to to smile and say something mean. “Your student events committee chose a Secret Santa for the December event. If you have any comments or suggestions, please direct them to Wasp.

“Now, the assignments-"

"SECRET SATAN!" Wasp blurted. She was vibrating as though she were getting ready to fly away, even at full size. "We can call it Secret Satan! That way it's not Christian!"

"Jan, I don't think-" Pepper began

"That sounds so chill," Iron Fist put in, sitting up from his half-slumped position. "Fresh, non-conformist- I dig it, man!"

There was a growing tide of agreement from the other students. There was a growing ache in Pepper's forehead. "Does anyone have any objections?" she asked plaintively.

"M.O.D.O.K. appreciates the ingenuity of Wasp's plan!"

Pepper sighed. "Alright then. Assignments for the Secret Satan will be sent to your Academy emails tonight at six o’clock-”

“That means eight,” Jessica Jones ‘whispered’ dryly to her friends.

“- _with a form_ to fill out so your gifts can be verified within the Code of Conduct,” Pepper continued pointedly. “The committee is recommending each participant spend twenty dollars maximum on your gifts, but if you want to spend more, that’s up to you. Thank you, and have a great day!”

~ ~ * ~ ~

A week later, Pepper landed on the balcony of her private apartment, six blessed blocks away from campus. She ordered her suit to disengage and went about her evening rituals: a hot bath and a glass of wine, stew from the crock pot and bread baked that morning, and a last check of her email before going to bed with a good book.

It looked like Jan had emailed her earlier, asking for an update on the Secret Satan. After the most recent minor invasion of campus, Pepper had nearly forgotten about the Secret Satan. She called up the summary of submitted forms to collate and changed into her pajamas.

Once she was tucked up in bed, with a glass of water and the latest Financial Times buried beneath a few historical fiction novels, she glanced over the list of submitted gift proposals.

Pepper sighed deeply as she read.

 

          _Agent 13 > Iron Man: One (1) calculator. A cheap one._  
  
          _Captain America > Red Skull: One (1) crucifix. For daily use._  
  
_Daredevil > Captain America: One (1) copy of 50 Shades of Grey. To help with catching up on current events._  
  
_Drax > Doctor Voodoo: One and a half (1.5) alien corpses. I promise they were legally scavenged._  
  
_Green Goblin > Daredevil: One (1) book of Renaissance paintings. Everyone should have a bit of culture in their lives._  
  
_Groot > Punisher: One (1) branch. I am Groot._  
  
_Loki > Black Panther: Ten (10) American currency bills. I can’t be bothered to look up exchange rates, but that should_  
          _be sufficient._  
  
_Nebula > Winter Soldier: Fourteen (14) hair ties. Please use them, for everyone’s sakes._  
  
_Punisher > Rocket Raccoon: One (1) of my old grenades. No pin._  
  
_Rocket Raccoon > Vision: Two (2) bottles of WD40. You don’t have to use it as sunblock ;)_  
  
_Sif > Jessica Jones: One (1) Barrel of Asgardian Mead. One thousand proof- drink responsibly!_  
  
_Spider-Woman > Doctor Octopus: Fifteen dollars ($15) to Woo’s Authentic Sushi Buffet. They do great calamari._  
  
_Squirrel Girl > Satana: One (1) MASSHOLE t-shirt. Machine washable, probably not fireproof, so be careful._  
  
_Thor > Ghost Rider: One (1) bell suitable to mount upon your steed. May it serve you well, friend!_  
  
_Vision > Loki: One (1) monogrammed bath towel set. Items are white and pale green, bearing the name and crest of_  
_Loki. I hope you_ _enjoy your gift._  
  
_Winter Soldier > Wasp: One (1) "_[Eternal Devastation](http://archiveofourown.org/works/9298475#work_endnotes)", _a mix CD of my favorite songs. Track 5 got me through a tough_  
          _time._  
  
_Wonder Man > Hell Cat: One (1) Autographed photo of me. Feast your eyes._  
  
_Wong > Mary Jane: One (1) enchanted turnip. Superior to other turnips._

 

  
Pepper opened up a new email.

_Jan, bad news. I think we might have to call off the Secret Satan. Some people took the name change a bit too literally..._

**Author's Note:**

> Eternal Devastation fanmix coming soon!


End file.
